a short play

Act 1

[Graham and Kylie have just crossed the border from Laos and are waiting for their night bus in Nongkhai. Graham is sent off to find some ‘bus food’ while Kylie watches the bags.]
GRAHAM: ‘OK – that market stall looks just right. I hope they speak English’ [strolls confidently over to the stall]
GRAHAM: “Hello” [gives the old lady at the stall a winning smile] “Fried rice?”
OLD LADY 1: “สิ่งที่”
GRAHAM: “Er…yes…ok. English?”
OLD LADY 2: [to Old Lady 1] ” แกล้งคุณ ไม่พูดภาษาอังกฤษ”
OLD LADY 1: “ไม่มี โอกาส”
GRAHAM: ” Okaaaaay.” [turns to restaurant punters in general] ” Er… anyone speak English…?” [winning smile]
Restaurant punters: [in unison] ” ไม่มี โอกาส” [Various grunts and shaking of heads. One or two rolled eyes.]
GRAHAM: “Ah. Right. Okaaaaaay…” [hunts around for anything resembling rice. Attempts to mime ‘rice’. Fails. Looks around for a picture of rice. There are none. Eventually spots a rice cooker] “Er… may I…?” [lifts the lid off the rice cooker anyway. Its rice! Gestures triumphantly at the rice. Winning smile.]
OLD LADY 1: ” โอ้ – ข้าวผัด” [smiles as if to a simpleton]
GRAHAM: [Gaining confidence, attempts to mime frying rice in a wok. Fails. Scans the kitchen area for more ingredients.]
OLD LADY 2: [holds up an egg, questioningly] ” ไข่”
Graham: [winning smile broadens] “Yes, YES!” [continues miming frying in a wok and adding the egg and more ingredients]
OLD LADY 2: “Chicken?” LITERALLY THE ONLY ENGLISH WORD EITHER LADY EVER UTTERED.
GRAHAM: [overly spurred on by this tiny display of English vocabulary] “Splendid – that would be perfect, thanks.”
OLD LADY 1: ” ดังนั้นสิ่งที่คุณ ต้องการ อย่างอื่น ที่มี ข้าว หรือไม่ นำมาใช้ หรือกิน อะไรบ้าง? ซอสพริก ใด?”
GRAHAM: [still persevering with the winning smile] “Er…yes…?” [Gives thumbs up for added emphasis]
OLD LADY 1: [to Old Lady 2] ” สิ่งที่ งี่เง่า” [both cackle manically with laughter]
GRAHAM: [continues to point to random food items in the kitchen, hoping that some of them are suitable ingredients for fried rice. Instantly regrets pointing to some of these items.]
[5 minutes later Graham swaggers back to Kylie with two take-away portions of fried rice with…other stuff. He quietly starts considering a career either as a mime artist or an interpreter. Or some magnificent combination of both…]

Act 2

[Kylie and Graham have been on their overnight bus for about an hour. An elderly Chinese couple board the bus and take the seats directly behind them. Kylie and GRAHAM are watching ‘Breaking Bad’ on the laptop]
GRAHAM: [frowning] “What the…?! Something’s digging into my back!”
KYLIE: “Its probably the guy in the seat behind you. Just try and ignore it.”
GRAHAM: *sigh* [returns to watching Walter White losing the plot]
GRAHAM: “Argh. He’s doing it again!”
KYLIE: “Shhhhh”
GRAHAM: [grunts]
[a minute later]
GRAHAM: “Right – that’s IT!” [Rips off earphones, hands laptop to Kylie.]
KYLIE: “Just don’t start an argument! Be nice.”
GRAHAM: [Scrambles round in his seat, leans over the back, finger already pointed accusingly.]
[The old Chinese man in the seat behind turns out to be a very short man. His feet are on the seat rest, a good 10 inches from the back of Graham’s seat]
GRAHAM: [Drops finger slowly. Frowns again, then gives the couple behind an embarrassed smile. Waves vaguely at the back of the seat. Sits back down, very confused.]
GRAHAM: “Oh come ON! Its still happening! He MUST be putting his feet in the back of my chair. Or maybe its the drinks they’ve just handed out – he’s probably shoved those too far into the seat pocket.” [Turns round and inspects the back of his seat again. Still no evidence of foul play. The Chinese couple smile and cheerfully say something to Graham, gesturing at his seat.]
GRAHAM: “What on earth is going on?!”
KYLIE: “Yeah – its the same with my seat. It’s like two feet digging into your and then going away and then digging into you again.”
GRAHAM: “Exactly! I bet the woman behind you is doing it as well!”
GRAHAM: “Wait a minute – what’s this?” [points to button next to his seat. Its lit up. He presses it. The light on the button turns off and immediately the pressure on the back of his seat disappears.]

They were massage seats! And I’d almost lost the plot with the nice couple behind, assuming they were just kicking our seats!

Act 3

[Kylie and Graham are settled in their hostel in Chiang Mai. Graham pops round to another hostel to see if its any nicer and whether they should move to this other hostel later in the week.]
GRAHAM: [entering the other hostel] “Hello! Anyone home?”
[There’s no answer. The place seems deserted.]
GRAHAM: “Hi – is anyone there?”
HOSTEL OWNER: [cheerfully, from somewhere just out of sight] “HALLO!”
GRAHAM: [walking towards the source of the voice] “Oh hi – I was just hoping…. OH!” [stops abruptly in his tracks.]
[To the side of the reception area is the source of the voice – presumably the hostel owner. He is sat down, playing on his phone. On the toilet. With his pants round his ankles. And the toilet door wide open.]
HOSTEL OWNER: [enthusiastically] “Hallo! Can I help you?”
GRAHAM: “Er…” [shifts uneasily]
Hostel Owner: [still sat down, with one eye still on his phone] “You want to check-in?”
GRAHAM: [Evaluates his options: 1) Run away 2) Move away or turn around and wait, 3) continue as if this is perfectly normal. Ends up awkwardly shuffling sideways so he can only see the owner’s knees.] “Um… well I just wanted to look around. But I can come back!”
HOSTEL OWNER: “Yes – ok. Ahhhh… could you give me 5-10 minutes?”
GRAHAM: [relieved] “Yes – of course!” [turns quickly and almost runs over to the display of brochures out of sight of the toilet.]
[Fully 10 minutes later, after Graham has browsed, examined and re-browsed every brochure on display, the hostel owner finishes up and joins Graham.]
HOSTEL OWNER: “Hello – I’m the owner.” [extends hand]
GRAHAM: [Grimaces and reluctantly shakes the owner’s hand.]

In the end they decided to stay put and not move to this new hostel. Despite how open and friendly the owner had been.